Moments of Inertia by Rachel Crawford

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Batman V Superman

BATMAN: Stop it, Superman!
SUPERMAN: Stop what, Batman?
BATMAN: Antagonizing me!
SUPERMAN: In what way have I been antagonizing you?
BATMAN: Ever since we moved in together you’ve been passive-aggressively eating my groceries, leaving dishes in the sink, not taking the rubbish out, and more. You know I can’t stand mess! You must be doing it on purpose.
SUPERMAN: I’m too busy to do chores! I have to be out there, all the time, using my superpowers to save people. If you had superpowers, maybe you’d understand!
BATMAN: This time you’ve crossed the line! How dare you. Maybe if you didn’t have superpowers you’d have a little bit of perspective. I had to become a superhero. You just had it all handed to you on a plate!
SUPERMAN: Oh, unlike your family’s seemingly-infinite wealth?
BATMAN: My parents died!
SUPERMAN: My parents died, too!
BATMAN: …I guess we’re not so different after all.
SUPERMAN: Batman. Let’s make up and put this behind us.
BATMAN: Agreed. Best of friends, forever.
THE JOKER: Hello boys!
BATMAN: Joker! What happened to your face?
JOKER: Do you like it? Hmm? I thought you would, Batsy. But what about you, “Super Man”? Do I look… a little familiar?
SUPERMAN: Lex Luthor! You look like Lex Luther! How is this possible?
JOKER: Instead of leaving you to ponder this mystery I’m going to immediately give it all away! I injected Lexy’s DNA into my face and BLAM! New face, new me, newly-found villainous outlook on life, and a wonderfully eeevil scheme to take over the world and destroy you both!
SUPERMAN: Look out, Batman, he’s got a weapon that exploits your only weakness that the writer doesn’t read enough comics to know about!
BATMAN: …Kryptonite?
JOKER: Time to die, boys!
SUPERMAN: Laser eyes attack! PEW!
JOKER: Oh ho ho, you think that will work on me now, Supes? Don’t you remember that Lex Luthor’s DNA is immune to lasers?
SUPERMAN: Quick, Batman, use your large bank account!
BATMAN: The Joker can’t be bribed. He just burns all the money I send him.
SUPERMAN: There’s no way to stop him, then!
BOTH: Oh no!
JOKER: Ha ha ha!
BATMAN: Superman…
SUPERMAN: Batman…
BOTH: I love you.
WONDER WOMAN: Hello, I am here now as you saw in the trailers. Power pose!
JOKER: What?! A female? Is this some kind of SJW plot?
WONDER WOMAN: I use my special move, ‘Pop-Feminism’!
JOKER: I’m melting for some reason!
WONDER WOMAN: Goodbye, Joker. I guess you could say that this time it is you who has been joked.
JOKER: Argh!
BATMAN & SUPERMAN: Thanks, Wonder Woman! We thought that by combining our powers of Super and Bats we could take on any challenge, but in the end it turned out we were missing the most important power of all: Wonder!
WONDER WOMAN: And how!
  Wonder Woman turns to the camera with her mouth open. Hundreds of DC-universe characters pour out.
WONDER WOMAN: Feeling teased, nerds?

THE END

Tables, huh?

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