2023 Lookback

Filed Under: Personal

2023 was a big year for me, with a lot of growth and a lot of grief.

Spring

The early months went quickly. I got ill a few times, so an already-dismal winter became an extra-dismal one in which I was stuck inside a lot. Thankfully I had the date for a long-awaited surgery in late March. With that looming, I had something to look forward to – and also to dread.

Fortunately it went very well and has resulted in a big quality-of-life improvement. I’m hoping to write a bit more about it soon because it could be interesting for other people and for myself to reflect upon my experience.

Summer

In May I was mostly recovered from the surgery, but I felt stretched thin, doing too much, and then everything became unstuck.

I won’t go into it in detail here because I don’t want to accidentally misrepresent people I care deeply about. For my part, some behavioural patterns I have – like not saying how I feel – had been making things difficult for myself and my relationships. Eventually something had to give.

The summer began with a breakup, continued with another breakup, and went on with several months of difficult but rewarding self-reflection, therapy, exploration and opening up. I gained a lot of confidence and self-worth, two things I hadn’t really realised I lacked. It’s still difficult to keep them up and probably always will be, but I’m better equipped for doing it than I was.

There is, it turns out, a difference between knowing something and feeling it, between intellectually understanding something and emotionally getting it. Crossing that chasm was something I had to do a few times this year.

Grief

I’ve written before about my experiences with grief. This year I passed the eight-year mark on losing Danielle, with whom I had my first actual relationship. It will not suprise you to learn that her loss had a deep impact on my psychology, and unfortunately healing from such a wound is not just a matter of time. In fact the passage of time seems to have very little to do with it at all. So this year I healed a bit more, not by waiting but by action. I think I have an inkling of what to do next.

Perhaps the biggest emotional switch that flipped in my heart this year was realising I could (and should) feel grief about other things. They may seem less important, but they are not. All shadows are dark – one may occlude another, but the other is still there.

In the autumn my maternal grandfather Alastair died. At 93 he still had all his wits but for a decade had been fighting a losing battle with his ageing body. I and the rest of his immediate family were able to be with him near the end to say goodbye, for which I am grateful.

As a person he was often frustrating – a trait I have inherited – but he took a genuine interest in everybody he interacted with. In the days following his death our family received correspondences from all over the world from the hundreds of people who knew him, many of whom were friends he had corresponded regularly with for much of his life.

He will be greatly missed.

Muscles

On a lighter note, this year I started going to the gym for the first time in my life. My slow-yet-inevitable nerd-to-jock transformation has had me trending towards it for a long time, but I finally took the step with the help of an accompanying friend and some new-found body confidence (thanks, aforementioned surgery!).

Since winter hit I haven’t been going as regularly as I would like to, but every time I make it in I feel great during and after my session. I love lifting weights and seeing how it is changing my body over time.

Exposing myself to the fear of public judgement is another good thing about going to the gym that I am feeling the benefits of.

Building

2023 was also a year in which I spent a lot of time, energy and money on home improvement.

• I got new windows, replacing the drafty aluminium-frame sash-and-case windows that I’d put up with for years.
• I got a new boiler to replace the ancient, inefficient beast that dwelled in my cupboard, making horrible noises and betraying me at inopportune moments.
• I also got new plumbing added to a storage closet, allowing me to put a washing machine¹ in it and freeing space up in the kitchen for a (yet to be added) dishwasher.

Miscellaneous other things were fixed and improved, too. It was all worth it but it also put a lot of stress on my mind and finances, so I am hoping to do a lot less of it in 2024.

2024

I believe I am entering my 30s with a clearer idea of who I am and what I want from life – and how to get it – but really I must accept the likelihood that I am wrong, that I and the conditions around me will change, and that is okay. The challenge is how to adapt to the change. How to make the best of it.

Thank you for reading! I hope you have had a good and less challenging year than I have, and I also hope you have a wonderful 2024